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Talented heiress fails to impress
By Lester Haines

A poll of 4,000 discerning Brits has unsurprisingly voted Rwandan mercy-dash heroine "One Night In" Paris Hilton the planet's most pointless celebrity - pipping former Big Brother contestants Chantelle "Bulgarian Airbags" Houghton and Jade "Juicy Kebab" Goody into second and third spots, respectively.

The next highest-ranking celebutard from across the Pond was David Gest, at fourth, with Nicole Richie securing a creditable sixth.

The survey, conducted by internet market research outfit OnePoll.com, demonstrates that when it comes to meaningless celebrity, the UK punches far above its weight. Among those also deemed to be squandering DNA which might have been put to better use elsewhere are Rebecca Loos - famous for manually pleasuring a pig on Channel Five's The Farm, having allegedly previously performed the same service for David Beckham - and Essex's finest Jodie Marsh.

In fact, the sole personality on the list to have previously held a real job is former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan, noted for his sanctimonious TV pontificating about how the UK's tabloid press handles fame and celebrity before he was sacked in 2004 over fake snaps of British soldiers abusing an Iraqi prisoner.

Actually, that's a little unfair, since the top 20 shows that the unwashed masses are equally unimpressed with Ulrika Jonsson and Linda Barker. For the benefit of our US readers, both have at some time purportedly worked for a living, the former as a TV weathergirl and the latter bringing decorative joy to hapless homeowners in TV makeover smash hit Changing Rooms.

All in all, it's a pretty comprehensive list - apart for one glaring omission. How on earth pneumatic model, popstress, author and mum Jordan failed to make the cut is quite beyond us:

1. Paris Hilton
2. Chantelle Houghton
3. Jade Goody
4. David Gest
5. Rebecca Loos
6. Nicole Richie
7. Kerry Katona
8. Jodie Marsh
9. Jack Tweed
10. Heather Mills
11. Kevin Federline
12. Piers Morgan
13. Tamara Beckwith
14. Johnny Vegas
15. Ulrika Jonsson
16. Jonathan Wilkes
17. Victoria Beckham
18. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
19. Lee Ryan
20. Linda Barker