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Jay Mohr


I don't see why everyone is so surprised Roger Clemens took steroids. Have you seen the size of his butt? The Rocket looks like he warms up for his workouts by squatting the local Applebee's. No grown man with a strong, natural physique has a butt the size of one of the Klumps.

None of the names on the Mitchell Report surprises me. In fact, I can give you a telltale sign of how I was tipped off to each man's drug use.

First, I must point out that different types of steroids activate different parts of the human body. No two supplements are alike. For example, while Roger Clemens may have taken andro(butt)stene, it's pretty obvious he shared some of that with Andy Pettitte. Pettitte isn't a guy you want to be standing next to on the subway. Your arm would be holding the bar above you, but Pettitte's behind would box your body out and into a different car.

Pettitte took many different types of supplements. Obviously, he has had extensive Botox. How else would you explain those big, juicy, delicious, kissable lips of his? I don't know any man with lips fuller than Lisa Rinna's or Angelina Jolie's.

There is a reason we all watch the Red Sox-Yankee rivalry so closely. Secretly, all guys are turned on by Andy's juicy lips. If you don't believe me, ask one of the guys at your gym, hopefully when you are both naked in the steam room.

Pettitte also allegedly (had to work that word in here somehow) took a giant, lifetime dose of NoDoz. That is why the FOX cameras always do super close-ups on his eyes and explain his fire and his intensity.

In actuality, all of the producers out in the truck have had a running bet for years as to when Pettitte might actually blink. So far David Hill has the no-blink pool won with his answer of never.

One of my heroes in this business, Jim Rome, once made a salient point regarding Barry Bonds. He said, "The best player in baseball shouldn't be 40 years old."

That is correct. The best player in baseball (Bonds) is something like 50 now. He, along with Clemens, will probably parlay all this steroid hype into spots on the Dominican national little league team, where no one ever asks your age.

As I said earlier, different steroids work in different ways on different people. Eric Gagne jammed his body full of needles since the day he received his green card, and all it got him was a French accent and a stupid-looking beard. Poor guy. Imagine taking Deca cycle after Deca cyle for years and one day bursting into the clubhouse to exclaim, "Guys! Ze Steroids, zey are working! Take zee look at my ree-diculous beard!"

Dodgers fans should have known their star closer was on drugs of some sort. The only grown-ups I have ever seen with facial hair that foul looking are guys I bought from. I bet Gagne is mean with a hackey sack.

There is creatine and then there is creep-a-tine. This is a hard-to-hide supplement when you're on it, mostly because it turns you into a giant a-hole. This drug was invented by Kevin Brown, but was also taken by Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Jose Guillen, to name a few. These guys took their entire young adulthood of acting like complete jerks and rolled the dice on a drug that could take it up a notch. I say that they are the true brave ones. If you keep acting like a jerk long enough, you run out of people to shoot you up. Eventually, you fake back pain and retire.

The saddest names on the Mitchell report were the Paul Byrds and the Randy Velardes out there. These poor guys loaded up on HGH, steroids, the clear and flaxseed oil and it turned them into monsters of mediocrity. What is the point of taking steroids if your fastball is going to top out at 84 miles per hour?

Why would Ron Villone risk his life (and his testicles) to get tossed around the major leagues like Tara Reid at a frat party? If you ask me, Byrd, Villone, Velarde, Mike Stanton, Scott Schoeneweis and Jerry Hairston Jr. should get all of their steroid money back.

Finally, if anyone questions whether or not Benito Santiago took steroids, look at his rookie card. He is standing next to Methuselah. He is wearing Air Jesus cleats. The man hit .267 against Satchel Paige.

Bobby bail-out

Bobby Petrino? More like Bobby QUIT-trino. What a bum. What a complete, classless jerk. But I don't blame him one bit. Who wouldn't run for the hog calls of Fayetteville, Ark., after their star quarterback just got served?

My biggest question to Bobby Petrino would be, why did he make so many wacky personnel moves if he knew he was going to leave anyway? Benching Joey Harrington after a modest two-game win streak. Cutting Grady Jackson for no foreseeable good reason. Starting Chris Redman?!!?

Atlanta hasn't been burned this bad since General Sherman.

Like we need another college coach that isn't successful in the NFL. Jenna Jameson will not get tabbed to star on Broadway, and for good reason. Her "talents" in one medium do not translate into another. Just like Lou Holtz, Steve Spurrier and Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino was a man that had it all at the college level (41-9 at Louisville). It seems these men feel not like the big man on campus, but rather the guy who is too big for campus. So they jet to the pros.

Unfortunately when they arrive there, they find a bunch of spoiled millionaires and malcontents that could give a rat's ass as to what "coach" has to say. In the NFL, they are all blue-chippers. The fourth-string linebacker that only plays on special teams was the greatest athlete his hometown had ever seen. He was recruited in a living room by a guy just like Petrino, except this time around he has a check with two commas in it that makes his eyes glaze over when given the rah-rah speech from the new guy.

I can understand the sexy allure of Arkansas in November, so I don't fault Quit-rino for leaving. Who doesn't want to coach just four hours from Little Rock? Who wouldn't trade in the call of "The Dirty Bird" for the sound of obese men and women screaming "Suey!"

Why couldn't Bobby Petrino wait until the season ended before he quit?

Why did a woman name her son Alge?

Why does Arthur Blank look like Mr. Weed from Family Guy?

So many questions left in the wake of such a stunning exit. Let this be the death knell for all future college coaches being hired to coach in the NFL.

Unless Greg Schiano wants to leave Rutgers in a few years to coach the Jets.

What a mess, best of lucky,
jay mohr